In the spirit of Thanksgiving, what follows is a list of the ominous lunches throughout the year that IDVers were told to expect, plucked from each hyperbole-laden email invite:
- Ancient insects harvested from encasing amber. The amber waste will be sold on the Estonian semi-precious stone commodities market, the insects eaten here at IDV with a horseradish dipping sauce
- Roasted Angus Femur. If you can crack it open, you've earned the marrow
- Hot birch-bark tea and cold sockeye salmon gill tissue
- Seasoned curly fries and stewed water buffalo
- Dried perch sticks with Edwardian-era mummy dipping paste
- Blanched spinach leaves draped atop an unaltered macaque
- Rare mutton pancreas and watercress with peyote dipping sauce
- Owl Kebabs!
- A high-energy demonstration will be your sustenance!!
- Blanched watercress in pulverized Carrier Pigeon bone stock
- Michigan tart cherries that failed to sell at a roadside stand in Mesick, MI, and came onto the market at an attractive price. And sliced pickled bologna
- Dry toast. No beverages
- Non-Newtonian dilatant cornstarch suspension
- Extruded and steamed laboratory-grown protein strand paste
- Raw turmeric seeds and beluga spleen
- Rhubarb chutney drizzled over melted brie with komodo kebabs
- Nothing. You will receive nothing
- Slow roasted capuchin on a bed of peyote shavings
- Dried and pulverized lobster shell re-hydrated with straight bourbon into a fine paste to be spread over thinly-sliced, toasted, goat kidney
- Alabaster dust slurry over rice cakes and hot sugared absinthe
- Rare narwhal liver over shaved ice paired with mandatory Flaming Moe’s
- Marinated alligator sinew and bamboo shoots
- Seared wolf tenderloin on a bed of mixed poppy petals
- Giraffe tongue and marinated squirrel
- Grist pellets and curdled opossum milk
- Dry buckwheat hulls drizzled with EVOO and dusted with graded marmot cheese, and beet juice to quench your powerful thirst
- Connective tissue and absinthe
- 3 pints of mead each. And empty stomachs otherwise
- Hand-massaged Kobe beef medallions and wine spritzers
- Raw corn flour and wasabi paste
- Warm mayonnaise slurry and dry oats
- Toast, curds, and grits
- Dried kale chips, raw carrots, and water
- Rice cakes and Hi-C
- Theater nachos with way too many chips and not enough cheese
- Desiccated emu filings
- A galaxy of free appetizers and watered down drinks in an oxygen-enriched human circus
- Cold butter sticks and lemonade
- Olive pits and raw ramen noodles
- After dinner mints and ketchup packets
- Soft pretzels and nacho cheese bar
- Rice cakes and tepid water -as a cleansing meal before your gluttonous near-future
- Live chef omelet station
- Cheetos and Miller Lite
- Caviar trimmings and lobster effluence
- Vitamins and roughage
- Snifters of Potbelly’s BBQ sauce to chug
Which one is your favorite? Frankly, I think they all sound delicious and I'd be hard pressed to choose. In reality, we sampled from the galaxy of various local options, which turned out to be much less precarious but much more nutritious than the invitations promised.
Have a great Thanksgiving!
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